You’ve got three things going on now that you didn’t have going on the last time you were dating:
1. you know what it’s like to get married and you have an experience of what being married can feel like
2. you’ve been through a divorce
3. you have a kid (or kids)
Your vantage point on the dating world has changed tremendously, not to mention the world of love and man/woman relationships altogether. And your needs as a man dating have changed. You have a much better idea than you’ve ever had of what you don’t want. And you have a child or children to think about.
Some tips, then, to make this bold transition a bit smoother and easier.
Forget the Bars and Clubs
Unless you enjoy going there, in which case go ahead but don’t look to it for any dating possibilities. Just go and have a good time, and when you’re ready to start dating go somewhere else.
Bars and clubs are for single people, and you’re not single. Well, you are, in a sense. But in another major way, you’re not quite. You’re divorced. There’s a difference. Especially to those who frequent bars and clubs. And the harsh reality is, they’re not there looking for you.
They’re on the prowl, typically for a casual encounter that most definitely does not involve eventually meeting a child. And because they’re on the prowl, they’re not showing themselves as they really are; they’re showing themselves as they think the men they want to meet want to see them (and they’re probably right).
That’s not what you’re looking for, is it? How are you going to know if the woman you meet is appropriate for your child when she (and every other person there) has their mind on one thing, and it’s not being herself?
But don’t worry. Plenty of women are looking for guys just like you, and here’s how to find them…
Get Out There
If not bars and clubs then where? Anywhere people are gathered for something other than “hooking up”. Volunteer. That’s a great way to meet women, and not just any women but those who’ve decided that some things in this world are worth giving of their time for.
Socialize in general, with your friends and coworkers, single and in a relationship. Let them get to know you (again) in a social setting as a free man. They know people, and there is little doubt that, given enough time (and sometimes not that much at all) one or several of them will offer to set you up on a blind date. Do it!
By all means, say Yes! What have you got to lose? And don’t you think your friends know you pretty well? So long as you’ve been yourself around them, they do. And if they think you and this blind date might be compatible, don’t you think there’s a better-than-fair chance that they may be right?
And this brings us to another important point.
Men Can Help You Meet Women Too
Don’t worry so much about meeting women right now, and just concern yourself with meeting people. Other people, especially people who know you, are your best source for not only meeting women, but meeting compatible women.
Get yourself out there in ways that expand your social circle with just men too. Join a club, a team sport. Pick an activity you enjoy and seek out an organization where you can meet other guys who enjoy it too. Because men know single and available women too. Their sisters, their girlfriends’ best friends, their neighbors’ daughters, their kids’ teachers. Lots of other men know lots of available women who they can’t have for themselves and who they would be more than happy to turn you onto.
Don’t Knock the Internet
Internet dating has its pros and cons, and there are truthfully way more cons. The negative stories regarding internet dating are the quintessential bad apples risking spoiling the bunch (and they make better press), but there are actually as many success stories about internet matches made online as there are detractions, maybe even more so.
Online dating is especially beneficial for someone in your shoes because one of its main advantages is that it lets you get to know someone as well as you want in a safe setting before you actually meet them.
For this reason many single moms and divorced moms use internet dating websites too, to meet divorced dads just like you. And not just single moms either. There are plenty of childless women looking for love and motherhood, many of whom would be elated to embrace your child into their hearts.
The internet, and more specifically: secure and reputable online dating sites, are a stellar place for divorced dads to meet women of all sorts with lots of potential for whatever type of future relationship you desire.
Your Child
Your child has to go through his or her own healing from your divorce, keep in mind. Don’t rush them into accepting you as a single man just because you’re ready. Be sensitive to their feelings.
This is not to say you should hinder yourself from moving forward with your life once you feel ready. But don’t expect your son or daughter to be on the same page with you. And don’t resent them for feeling whatever they feel about it. It’s their process, it’s their right.
They don’t have the right to be rude to the women you introduce them to. But don’t rush such a meeting until you feel the relationship is ready. Don’t force your kids to think of anyone as your girlfriend until she really and truly is.
Maintain a Healthy Headspace
Really. You’ve been through a trying time. You thought you’d found the one. You gave it your all. You even had kids with this woman. And it failed. Whether you blame yourself or not, it still hurts that you couldn’t work it out.
And even an amicable divorce is painful. If it’s ugly, even worse. You’ve definitely got some healing to do from this. You deserve it. And you owe it to yourself to make sure you give yourself the time and avail yourself of whatever resources you need to heal yourself from the pain, clear yourself from the hurt, and be ready to move on with your life.
All this before you consider starting dating again.
But even if you’ve taken all the time you need to get at peace with the marriage and put it behind you, it would be natural if you still had some residual cynicism where women and romantic relationships were concerned. Perfectly natural. So take it slow.
There’s no rush. You know better than anyone that when you fall in love, all time stops. So give yourself all the time you need and take it as slow as you need. Because when the right woman does come along, you’ll be ready for her, and the wait will all have been worth it.
That’s why it’s so important to monitor your thoughts and emotions frequently, to make sure you’re maintaining an open-mind and a positive attitude. Otherwise, you should step back from the dating scene a little longer until you think you do so.
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