The first thing to realize about rejection is that many men have such a huge fear of it that it stops them from ever even trying to win the acceptance of a woman. So answering the question of rejection involves looking at it from two angles: the fear and the rejection.
Fear of rejection is one of the biggest blocks men have to dating. It puts a stop to the process before it’s even started.
We all know about the power of positive thinking. Well, that applies no less powerfully in the dating realm. Fear of rejection is a form of negative thinking that thwarts the very possibility of success. Saddling yourself with this self-defeating fear is akin to locking yourself in a cage where you can live “safe” and alone for the rest of your life.
We get back what we put out there; we attract what we think about. Focusing on rejection, fearing it, only brings more rejection, whereas imagining success, love, intimacy, fun, and affection brings more of those qualities into your life.
Face Your Fear
Courage is not an absence of fear; courage is being afraid and doing what you’re afraid of anyway. Nowhere is the phrase “practice makes perfect” more apt than it is here.
All men have some degree of nerves whenever approaching a woman for a phone number or asking her out on a date. And those nerves won’t necessarily go away the more times you practice doing it. But you will develop within yourself the ability to more and more easily shove those misgivings to the side, push through your nerves, and get the job done. Especially when you find that, sometimes, you actually get what you were going after.
There’s nothing like positive reinforcement to change a patterned behavior, and the more you practice facing your fear of rejection and pursuing women, from simple conversation to deep intimacy) the more positive experiences you will notch up, giving you greater and greater confidence each time out after that.
Rejection: It’s Not a Four-Letter Word
So now that we’ve explored how to handle fear of rejection, let’s look now at how to handle being rejected. What if you’ve approached a woman and she gives you the cold shoulder? Or you’ve asked her out on a date and she said “No”. Or you leaned in for a kiss and she leaned away? Or you’ve been dating for weeks and months and, seemingly out-of-the-blue, she breaks up with you? What then?
They say the fear of anything is worse than the actual thing itself, to which you no doubt reply that they’ve obviously never experienced rejection.
It Really Isn’t You
“It’s not you, it’s me,” she says. It’s an old and tired line and you’re sick of hearing it. But it’s also true. It’s not you. You are not being rejected. The possibility of following through with your desire to pursue a further relationship (of any sort) with this girl is what’s being turned down. Not you.
If it’s a stranger you’re approaching on a subway, she doesn’t even know you. How could she be rejecting you? All she’s refusing is her interpretation of what dating you might be like. If she’s rejecting anything, it’s her imagination of what you’re like. That’s not so horrible, is it?
If, on the other hand, it’s someone you’ve been dating for a while…well, it’s still not you. She might be ending the relationship, one which you’ve obviously put a lot of yourself into, but unless she’s actually yelling at you, cursing you, calling you names, putting you down, and physically pushing you away, her decision is no indication of who you are or aren’t other than who you are or aren’t to her. And it should have no bearing on who you are to yourself.
Sure, the word “No” can hurt. No argument there. But don’t let it define you, or paralyze you from further, future action. Don’t take it personally, because even if she thinks it’s personal, it’s not.
Baby Steps
You don’t have to make the transition from shy-guy to lover boy in a heartbeat. And in fact, if you try you may fall flat on your face, which will only validate your fears of rejection and ever trying to approach a woman again.
Instead start by watching how other guys do it. Go out on a Friday or Saturday night and observe other guys approaching gals. Notice what works for them and what doesn’t. Notice how even the finest guys in the room still face periodic rejection. Notice how they handle it. Chances are they snap out of it, bounce back, and step right out there for more.
Then, when you do decide to take that next bold leap and try to strike up a conversation with a girl, start small. Practice with women who are paid to be nice to you – waitresses, clerks, etc. That’ll give you a chance to expand your comfort level talking to women you don’t know.
The Flip Side
One positive aspect of fearing rejection is that it makes you more sensitive to how you treat women interested in you. Breaking a girl’s heart is not only hurtful in and of itself, but it’s also burning bridges. Because she might have friends or coworkers who may be more “right” for you.
Understanding how it feels to be turned down, to be dumped, gives you the power to treat women who you’re turning down or breaking up with in a more compassionate and thoughtful manner. It’s never easy to hear that a person you’re interested in isn’t interested in you in the same way, but by being able to relate to what she might go through when you do break the uncomfortable news you’ll find ways to do it that leave her still feeling okay about herself. And this leaves many doors of possibility still open for you.
To close out this article, we pose one final question to you: are you really having trouble attracting women, or is your actual problem just that you’re avoiding rejection?
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