You’re in shock.
The realization’s just hit you. Whether she dumped you or you dumped her, you’ve broken up.
The relationship is over. And all you can think is, “What just happened?” or “What did I do wrong?” or “Oh my God, what have I just done?”.
But answering none of those questions is going to help you.
The question that comes next, when the shock settles enough for the regret to consume you, is the one that can make it all better again:
“How do I get her back?”
And the answers to that very question lie below:
Don’t
- Chase her: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, not persistence; that’s just annoying. Whoever dumped who, she doesn’t want to talk to you right now. And that can be to your advantage, if you don’t go and screw it up by hounding her right now with phone calls, text messages, emails, and – crime of all crimes – showing up unexpectedly and unannounced at her home or place of work. Consider this – your well-intentioned “chasing” could be construed as only a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from “stalking” Don’t take any chances. Just don’t do it. But…
Do
- Keep in touch: Not a lot, mind you. Just enough to keep each of you a presence in each other’s minds and worlds. Checking in every now and again for a brief, no-agenda, no-expectations, “How-ya-doin’?” goes a long way towards showing her that 1) you still care, but 2) you haven’t become a miserable wreck over this. And it’s the first step (or steps, really) in slowly, realistically rebuilding a bridge of connection between you two.
Don’t
- Become depressed: Depression is like quicksand; the deeper you sink into it, the harder it is to climb your out of it until pretty soon it sucks you all the way down, in over your heard, and swallows you whole. Not to mention it’s a stupid way to try and get her back. Who’s going to want you depressed? You think she’ll take pity on you? She might, but she won’t take you back. To get your ex back, you both need to heal and recover from the break-up each on your own and emerge whole and complete. Then you can reexamine the possibilities a renewed relationship with one another offers you now that you’re both coming at it from a new and more clear-headed perspective.
Do
- Become whole again: This is a time for being strong. No matter how much you want her back now – this instant! – it’s probably not going to happen (and generally when it does happen that fast it’s just another peak in a dizzying, and possibly never-ending roller coaster). Chances are you need to find your center again. You need to rebuild your relationship with you first, before you can tackle rebuilding one with anyone else. And break-ups are a big sledgehammer to the ego. Find who you are again (or anew) and you’ll be in a much better position to offer your ex not a second chance at what you once had, but a first chance, a new opportunity, for a new relationship leaps and bounds better than the one before.
Don’t
- Change yourself: To co-opt the immortal words of Billy Joel: Don’t go changing to try and please her. If you can be yourself and love yourself for who you are, as you are, in spite of the break-up (the scarlet “F” of Failure like an acid rain cloud perpetually following you over your head), then she too may come to love you just the way you are.
Do
- Take a long and honest look at yourself: It takes two to tango and, regardless of who made the last move, two to end the dance. When you trust that you can be completely honest (and brutally too, if necessary) with yourself, examine the relationship. Study it. What went wrong? Why was it destined to come to this point? What was her part in it? (the easier question to answer) And what was your part? (the one as hard to ask as it is to answer) Without changing the beautiful core essence of who you are, are there also some qualities, beliefs, and behaviors that you’ve outgrown or outlasted? That no longer suit you? This break-up could be a wonderful opportunity for you to do some long-needed work on yourself to sculpt yourself into the person you know deep down inside that you are.
Don’t
- Blame yourself: Taking responsibility for what went wrong in a relationship is not the same thing as blaming yourself. Blame is pointless finger-pointing. Taking responsibility is owning it, owning up to it, and doing something about it. In reexamining your relationship from the outside looking in, don’t make the mistake of deciding that everything you said, felt, and did with her was wrong – that it’s all your fault. (Unless it is, in which case own that too.) Honor your thoughts, feeling, and actions in the relationship: your observations and complaints. Because if you don’t, then even if you do get back together you’ll find the same unresolved issues getting you down all over again.
Do
- Find her right: You don’t have to be wrong for her to be right (and vice-versa). The relationship ended presumably because some part or parts of it weren’t working for either of you. Both of you had complaints. And both of you are right to feel the way you do. Your complaints about her are valid, as are hers about you. For example, did she have trouble with how you communicated (specifically how little or how poorly)?
Then without feeling attacked and becoming defensive what could you do to communicate better for her? If she complains that you don’t listen to her, instead of feeling justified because – hell, she’s always talking, how could you become a better listener for her? Most of the things our wives and girlfriends want from us are not so difficult to provide. We just get uppity and resentful because why should we have to change who we are for them?
And why doesn’t she have to do the same for me? Well, in answer to the first question, if who you are is in love with her, then you learn how to function in a healthy man/woman relationship because that’s part of loving someone, and therefore already part of who you are, just a currently under-developed part. And in answer tot he second question, she does have to do the same for you. It’s just none of your business right now. That’s her hurdle. You can only do what you can do right now, and that’s learn how to be a better boyfriend for any girl.
And if it’s any consolation to you, she has changed herself for you many times already (as you have for her). You just haven’t noticed it much (or at all) because they were things you expected of her. And we often don’t find it necessary to thank people for living up to our expectations of them…but we should.
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