Not Your Boyfriend But Sleeping With Him?

by Christian Carter < Comments >

Posted in Dating Issues, Sex Advice

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A man can feel a certain level of attraction for you that will have him act loving, but is only as deep as him knowing that he wants to get physical with you.

It’s another kind of attraction altogether for a man to want a long-term relationship with you.

Do you know what it is a woman can do that makes the difference?

Do you know how to trigger the kind of attraction that gets a man to naturally open up, share himself and think about the future with you?

I’m not talking about purely physical attraction, or the kind that makes a man want to BE physical with you.

You know, like the kind of “attraction” that makes a man want just a casual fling… or a Friends With Benefits situation only.

No, I’m talking about the kind of Intellectual and Emotional Attraction that makes a man want to be around you… and want to have you in his life for the long-term.

I’m talking about the kind of attraction that makes him think about you all the time. The kind that makes his heart leap whenever he remembers the times he spent with you.

Here’s a secret about creating that kind of feeling inside a man:

It’s completely possible to do or say certain things that will turn on that magic switch inside a man’s mind that will make him sit up and take notice… that will make him emotionally attracted to you.

At the same time, there are ways to KILL any chance of that kind of attraction…and these are common mistakes that many women carelessly make (especially when they are really INTO a guy).

Read this special letter I wrote about my “Natural And Lasting Attraction” program, where I give you some free tips, DO’s and DON’Ts when it comes to being irresistible to a man:

Today I’m answering a question I received via email that I know you’ll be interested in, because it points out the one biggest mistake that so many women make when it comes to getting “physical” with a man.

Read on…

>>>Question From A Reader:

I purchased your e-book last night and have been reading it. Wow! But I admit I skipped to some parts to get to others that I thought I needed to read first… and now I’m going back to read the entire thing. I wanted to share something with you first that struck me.

I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him – more than a friendship. We have been intimate with each other about 3 times. Everything was fine until I mentioned my feelings to him. I wasn’t asking him for a relationship…but he took it that way. I have since then been pouring my heart out to him and pretty much looking insane.

Is there any way to save it? I know he has feelings for me.

Please help…and tell me how to reverse the damage I have done.

Thanks so much


>>>My Thoughts:


I’ve got to knock some sense into you for your own good.

Since you have my eBook, go back to Chapter 6 and read it again.

Your fears are taking over your emotions… which in turn is driving the behavior that your guy is responding negatively to.

You’ve stopped steering your life emotionally and you’ve let go of the wheel.

In Chapter 6, read about the “Emotional Gap,” and about “Setting Yourself Apart From Other Women,” starting on page 159.

And I’ve got some new ideas for you too…

There’s an important scientific word I want you to learn and remember. You ready?

Here it is:


You OBVIOUSLY have real feelings for him – you’re sleeping with him!

And I’m willing to bet you had these feelings all along, but you just weren’t completely up front about them.

Your situation is possibly the WORST kind of uphill battle a woman can have with a man early on.

It’s a BIG NO-NO.

Actually, it’s “THE” big NO-NO in the early dating stage…Using purely “physical attraction” to start a potential relationship.

For most men, it’s easy to go from a meaningful and committed relationship to one that’s casual and purely physical.

But, it is almost impossible to go from the “friends-with-benefits” situation to a deep, fulfilling, intimate and lasting situation.

I know this firsthand, both from my own love life and from talking to lots of men and women I’ve known in my life.

So… rarely do I give rules, but here’s an absolute RULE when it comes to men:

DON’T EVER try and start things with a man at a casual and purely physical level if you EVER want the option for something more meaningful or long-term.

Men don’t work this way, like it or not.

And don’t try to get a man BACK with physical attraction and sex either.

It’s a dead-end street.

OK… now that I’ve got that off my chest, here’s the first thing you need to do. Go read my book again. (Just buying it won’t help you.)

I write about Sex and Commitment in Chapter 8, on page 241. I reveal exactly what men think about the whole “friends with benefits” situation and how to time sex with dating so you’re not left feeling “insane” when a man just doesn’t want anything more than a purely physical relationship.

(And if you’re reading this now and want to get your own copy of my eBook, “Catch Him & Keep Him” and be reading it in minutes, click on the link below.

You can try it free for a full 7 days before you commit to paying for it):

Here’s the worst part of this whole situation. You’re smart and you know better. I can tell. It doesn’t surprise me that you couldn’t see this coming. Somehow, when you’re in the thick of it, attraction and “love” can blind you.

So I’m going to give you a refresher course in what to do and in order to have the happiness and love you need…and deserve. I’m going to give you 4 simple rules to follow that will guarantee you won’t be “stuck” with a Friends With Benefits situation ever again.

Ready? Ok, here we go…


You said, “I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him.”

It’s NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man.

It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man 1) too early and 2) in a negative context.

You set yourself up for failure by choosing and “tolerating” a situation that just doesn’t work for you. That situation is being “ok” with a purely physical situation when in fact you need – and want – more.

When you’re OK with the way things are one minute, but then are looking and asking for something more and saying you’re not happy with the way things are NOW, you’ve INSTANTLY become the kill-joy and antagonist in the relationship.

One minute you’re blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later you’re sulking and awkward because you just blurted out what you feel or what you want, and you’ve taken him by surprise.

All because of a “talk” you wanted to have with him.

Yeah, I’m being a bit harsh here, but it’s for your own good.

Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued this “friends with benefits” strategy to get things moving.

That’s why you’re freaking out.

You thought you could handle it.

You thought you’d get something out of it.

And for a minute, it was fun.

But then your feelings snuck up on you.

Eventually you were reminded of what you’re really after with a man and what you value.

Right now you have two pictures in your mind: One picture is of this “casual” thing going on. And the other one is what you actually want.

The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it’s no wonder you’re acting “insane.”

Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you’re ACTUALLY doing with this guy.

It’s time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won’t make you happy or comfortable in the long run – even if they feel good in the moment.


Starting things with a man in this “casual sex” way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future.

I’m a guy.

I know.

But, more importantly, getting into a “casual” situation with a man you might want to date more seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.


Unless you’re one out of a hundred thousand women who gets “swept off her feet” by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless… then you’re going to have to start asking yourself some real questions about what you really want from your love life.

And once you have the answers, actually be honest about them from the start.

Here’s an important question to ask yourself:


And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what you’re accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there’s nothing better around right now.

Be clear here and think it through.

I’ll give you a minute…

Most of the women I know who are dating have a set of subconscious requirements from the men they’re seeing. That those men are honest. That they are exclusive. That it’s going somewhere, and it’s not just going to be casual dating forever.

But these aren’t things they are willing or able to communicate directly with the man they’re seeing.

So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for.

They say, “This is fine for now. I’m just enjoying myself.”

They are not being honest with themselves about their bottom-line “must-haves” and therefore can’t express these things to the man, either.

From my experience, here are a few of these “must-haves” that women often aren’t honest about at the start:

- That any man they’re involved with, in any way, isn’t dating or still involved with another woman

- That he’s open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other

- That they share the same values and priorities (or he can at least appreciate and support her values)

So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS for feeling good when it comes to men and dating? And how do you communicate these to a man?

Do you do it indirectly by acting frustrated and angry when your needs aren’t being met, after you’ve already become intimate and emotionally invested in the relationship?

Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you’re in sync from the get-go?

Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you, or magically and telepathically recognize and meet all your needs.

Sticking to a set of minimum standards and then communicating those helps show a man what it’s going to take to make you happy.


I observed something FASCINATING about people and relationships a few years back.

When we’re in a situation that causes bad feelings and friction of some kind, there is always some kind of “payoff” for one or the other person…and that’s why they persist in sticking with the bad situation.

Here’s what you’re getting out of the “casual” thing…

You get a safe and risk-free path to get close to this guy. Even though technically you’re not “close” at all.

I call this “working it from the ‘friend zone’.”

After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for upfront, BEFORE you slept with him?

You might be disappointed or rejected, or you would be unable to continue the “friendship” that you have right now.

And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy and low-quality that you’re “tolerating” now.

But if you look deeper, you’ll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt that you could have been “just friends” with him anyway, even if you never slept together, without you feeling short-changed in some way.

That’s why you have to show a man that you’re strong and you know what you want, and you won’t settle for scraps or second-best or “good enough for now.”

My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a “velvet hammer.”

Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time.

Say, “I really like you. Probably too much to be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we should continue this situation unless you feel the same way.”

If you can say this in a way that doesn’t include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, the response a man will give will be MAGICAL.

He’ll open up and meet you at the level of honesty and respect you’re coming at him with.

And as tough or self-centered doing this might sound right now, this is exactly what you need to say to a man if you really want something more with him.

And doing this, and only this, can get you out of your “friends with benefits” situation and into a great relationship.

Trying anything else is almost sure to end up in a series of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

But you might be thinking- WHY does this kind of language work with a man?

Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world.

There’s nothing that triggers more intense “long-term” attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN’T control and who doesn’t get thrown off-balance when her needs aren’t met.

Using the “velvet hammer” also has another AMAZING benefit that women don’t often recognize… or they don’t even see as a benefit at first.

It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they’re never going to (or just don’t want to) get their act together in the first place.

You don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end situation that’s just going to make you feel WORSE than you felt before you met him, do you? Of course not.

And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and disappear for a while. But the best part is, if he’s one of the “good guys” you want to be with for the long-term, he’ll come back around.

And when he does, he’ll have done all the leg work to be a better, more conscientious partner. The kind of partner you could have never molded through any amount of fixing or convincing.


Ever hear of “approval-seeking” behavior?

It’s when we try to do and say things simply to get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else.

Well, it’s a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on.

Your need for your guy’s APPROVAL is your worst enemy right now.

To him, what you’re doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.

I’ll give you an example…

Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman?

As he’s just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn’t completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?

He buys her gifts.

He calls her all the time.

He offers to do favors and errands for her.

All these are attempts to prove to her that he’s good enough to be with her or to get her attention. This is also known as the “really nice guy” approach.

Women just never seem to quite “feel it” for the super-nice guy. Not because of the gifts and flowers and favors, anyway.

A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things… agreed? But doing nice things doesn’t MAKE a man more attractive.

Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you weren’t too “into” at first, you start losing respect for him when he goes overboard and tries too hard with the calls, favors and gifts.

You lose respect because you know you can CONTROL him.

This isn’t conscious, either. It’s just how you feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces.

Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman’s behavior and a man’s? That a man may feel like he can “control” you if you’re running around trying to please him or do favors for him or be “nice” to him in order to get him to want you?


For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from a man’s uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the woman he’s with is going to think and act.

If he can predict what you’re going to do and feels like he has you “in the palm of his hand”, what is he going to wonder about when it comes to you?

And what if you start acting predictably NEGATIVE?

Think about it…

It’s a “natural tension” and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.


What most women ask in situations when a man isn’t responding the way they want him to is…

“WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and “fix” it?”

Well, you can’t “fix” a man. And I really feel for you if you’re one of those women who are trying.

But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you. You can change how he experiences you.

The toughest and most important thing to understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in these situations isn’t at all LOGICAL.

In other words, how a man reacts doesn’t make ANY “sense” and doesn’t follow any rhyme or reason.

So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own “sense-making filters.”

Let me ask you a question…

If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman who you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good… or would you want a woman who just “got it” on her own naturally… and everything flowed?

Duh. (There’s that scientific word again.)

You’d want the woman who already “got it.”

So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON’T respond to women who DON’T.

OK, let’s talk about these concepts a little bit more.

Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are “naturally compatible” because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he’s around her.

NOTE: I did NOT use the word “logical” here.

Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long-term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself:

“Let’s see…she’s got a good job, works hard, is pretty cute, and is a really good person… Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here.”


For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman (and stay with her) is either THERE or it ISN’T.

There are no two ways about it.

Fortunately for you I’ve put together an entire program just about attraction and dating advice: how it works for a man, how to trigger it, what to avoid doing so you don’t accidentally “kill” it.

Exactly what does it take for a man to feel a longing for you, to feel connected and devoted to your happiness?

I talk about that right here in this link where I explain all about my “Natural And Lasting Attraction” program:

I hope you read it and start learning what works and what doesn’t when it comes to creating powerful attraction in a man.

I also hope you follow the 4 rules I just mentioned to make sure you have the BEST chance to get what you’re truly after in life and love.

Thanks for reading and I’ll talk to you again soon,

Your Friend,

Christian Carter

P.S. To download my best-selling eBook that literally tens of thousands of other women have read and written to tell me how it’s changed their life and their relationship, go here and download your copy:


Emmaleigh. October 28, 2010 at 11:48 pm

I like the paragraph about the games. I find strip anything turns me and my partner on.
Also, drinking games make the night a hell of a lot more interesting.

Raya October 19, 2010 at 5:44 pm

Dont forget the moral thing. Great sex without loyalty?

REBECCA May 13, 2010 at 9:47 am


aundrea May 1, 2010 at 7:01 am

ur the best

aundrea May 1, 2010 at 7:00 am

this is reaaly good advice im going to try some of this stuff tonight

kitty April 3, 2010 at 2:08 am

I’m glad I have a good old fashioned naive country boy. Almost everything I do with him sexually is a huge turn on to him! Maybe some guys are just too hard to please! Most men are not in tune with their women either! I think that is the real key. Both people trusting each other and not being afraid to experiment with each other. If it’s good, put it in the sex box, if it’s not, scratch it! We both agreed that each person would try a new idea once a month. Since we don’t see each other much, this makes for fun sex every time!

Chelsea January 26, 2010 at 6:45 am

thanks yall guys are freakinq cool he loved it:)

April T January 23, 2010 at 3:40 am

Whoever the Dmitry guy is can kiss my ass! what an idiot and sounds like a typical man…..feed me cook a steak for me…. GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND COOK YOURSELF A DAMN STEAK…….give me a blow job blah blah fuckin blah if all you want is a blowjob then obviously your dick is tooooo small and therefore not enough to satisfy your girl….good coverup to save u the embarassment though ;-)…….oh and sexy clothes are only sexy on a sexy woman? well reality check dumbass it’s nonya fuckin business….if the man is happy and the woman is happy who gives a shit!! Here’s a tip for you…..don’t give advice that isn’t so great :-D you must have a really shitty sex life and i pity the fool that ever wraps their lips arnd ur meatt! ha! glad my sex life isnt like that….much much much better than a steak and a backrub heeeha! have a nice day

horny as can be November 14, 2009 at 7:30 pm

I am the first thing on my husbands mind when he wakes up, and the last thing on his mind when he drifts off to sleep. How do I know? Because every morning and every night I go down on him. Kissing, licking, and sucking. Sometimes he is so tired from work he doesn’t get an erection but i still spend atleast 15 minutes down there enjoying every delicious kiss.

Dmitry Barash November 8, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Some women are squimish about oral sex ? Really? Maybe in the 90s. As a married man I find this article not only useless, but misinforming to women. First Doggy style is nothing new. If it is new to you then you need remedial lessons on the basics, and clearly need to talk to a therapist about any issues or misconceptions you may have about actually participating in the sex you are having with your husband. Second if we want a hand job there is no one on earth that can do it better than us. We have been practicing for this our whole lives. So leave it to the experts. Third sexy clothing is only sexy on a sexy woman. If you are overweight or underweight face reality and go to the gym, this point should not be ignored. A snickers bar in a pretty new box is still a snickers bar. If you are in denial about the way your body looks, the new “sexy” cloths will not help you, and before anyone says or thinks “well my husband should love me the way I am”
Just know that he does, but this is about pleasing him, not about feeling like you are pleasing him for your own peace of mind. Put in the effort and lose the extra weight. Nothing will improve his moral and satisfaction more than to have sex with a sexy woman, it will motivate him to go to the gym himself. Fourth once you lose the weight and become his goddess, save the money on the cloths and buy him a 21 day aged steak. Cook it while wearing nothing but a short t shirt. And then give him oral sex after he is done eating. Sounds simple right thats because it is. The trick with this is to not ask him to reciprocate. Just let him be and let him enjoy. After that give him a back rub, arm rub etc.. the way he likes and you are done. If you are working on losing weight dont worry no one is perfect but you can still give oral, cook a steak , and rub a back. This will bring more pleasure than any laced underwear will. Substitute the steak for his other favorite dish if the need arises(If he does not like steak, you should assume that he may not be heterosexual) but try this trick, and see if he does not have a new found affection for you after you are done giving him these three surprises. Prep time 30 minutes total length of activity about 2-3 hours. Total cost about 20-25 dollars(You will have money left over to drag him to some movie he thinks is stupid some other day) . Cheaper than buying “sexy cloths” and it will keep your relationship fresh and honest because if you are overweight he wont have to tell you that he loves you in those cloths and its the best surprise you could give him. Remember work with what you have and use common sense. You will save time, money and you will really have a happy and pleased husband. So now that you are armed with The please your husband tecnique developed by the World famous sexoligist Dmitry Barash (patent pending). You have to know how to carry it out, so let’s start with the most important thing. The food! The steak that you serve him should taste good. Common sense really, but you would be surprised at how many mistakes you can make, if you are not informed. So the steak should be a good cut of meat. A butcher shop or high end grocery store such as whole foods will have it, your local acme will not. So prepare to spend about 20-25 dollars on this steak still cheaper than going out to eat. Then the next obvious thing is to make it if you are not confident that you can make a delicous steak dont. Find a reputable place that will make it for you and then have it dropped off at your house or go pick it up. Buy it and not make it myself? You ask. Where is the love in that? You ask. well if you can cook, then it would be more thoughtfull if you made it, but if you can’t cook, nothing would be worse than taking a good cut of meat, ruining it and expecting your husband to actually eat it. Let alone derive any pleasure from it. So were clear the steak has to taste good. Your good intentions cannot fill a stomach. So if your going to do it. Do it right!
So now we have a great tasting steak, but where you serve it is just as essential as how good it tastes. You serve it at home wearing a short t shirt and nothing else (if you have kids..Throw them out of the house, or if its more convenient daycare or a sitter might work to. Just have them gone so he can enjoy his surprise. The time this happens should be when he regularly eats a normal meal(that is where the suprise part comes in) not a weekend or a convenient day for you but on a day it will please him most. A work day, school day etc.. a great end to a hard or stressfull day. So by now he has finished what should be a great tasting steak. He is already a happy and full man(if you are going to all the trouble with the steak make sure there is enough to fill him, nothing worst than a steak tease)So lets move on to step 2 Oral sex although you cant outsource this service(if you can thats fine to)but I am assuming you have to do it yourself.
If you dont know how…learn. But how? You ask. With rigorous and constant practice. If you have not mastered this art, and dont have alot of spare time,but still want to please your man sooner than later. It is ok. This is one area where the thought does count. Just use common sense. If your husband bites you anywhere, be it your arm or your head it is going to hurt.(if you are confused about why I just said that, then give up now, you clearly lack the intelligence it takes to function as an adult in this society. But if you are not confused about teeth and what not to do, then you are on your way to giving great oral sex.So now just do it. Once it is done move on to step 3. The back rub why a backrub? You ask. Now that your husband has had a delicous steak, and great oral sex. He is confused, and thinking that you want him to reciprocate. This can cause frustration(because once the deed is done he does not want to do anything for you, himself, or anyone. He just wants to lay down and sleep or watch tv, but he feels guilty about not having the energy needed to return the favor) So step 3 is just for that. It will relieve any tension he may have, and will reassure him you are just trying to please him and this will.
So step 1 feed the man
step2 Give the man oral sex (when your done dont cuddle or ask to make love this is not about you)
Step3 let him relax
An extra tip while giving him a back rub, would be to not ask about what is going on in a movie or show he is watching. He knows you dont care what it’s about. He also knows your only talking because the tv is getting his attention at the moment. Well there you have it, the most advanced scientific approach to pleasing your husband on the planet!

Siree Malon November 7, 2009 at 2:20 am

Damn. I’m definitely going to have to try this.

Jennifer November 2, 2009 at 6:51 am

cathie your a homewrecking whore. i dont care if he has no control, obviously you should learn some self control also, women decide whether to let them in or not. anyways it seems to be common sense, but then again im a high school kid and me and my boyfriend are very passionate :) and we have been together for 3 years!! trust me it does work :D

Cathie October 22, 2009 at 11:58 pm

I wish all married ladies would read this and put it to memory…..because this is exactly what brings your married guy…..knocking at my door…….A twenty dollar Camie and he is buying me lunch……just talking about oral anything and he is asking to go home with me for lunch…..I am working on finding a guy that isn’t just wanting a way out…….I guess we all have issues!

emma October 20, 2009 at 7:32 pm

im looking for advice for a young couple who are in love and want to be togethor but have trouble clicking in the bedroom. as the women i’m verey satisfied but need help returning the favor. i have tried alot of things but don’t always work any suggestions?

denisha August 25, 2009 at 4:15 am

you’ve saved my marriage!!!! thanks!!!!!!!!!!! :)

maureen vanderford August 13, 2009 at 6:50 am

I have been CELIBATE for 5 years. I am interested in a man, and think perhaps he feels the same. I do not want to be a disappointment in bes. I want to PLEASE and make him so satisfied he want more and more

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